Mobile Bar Association President Pete Mackey’s September Comments

Mobile Bar Association President Pete Mackey

“I have more scars than you will ever see, because most of them are in my head

 – anonymous, describing depression

The alarm has been beeping for almost ten minutes before Fred finds the will to turn it off. He is not asleep – he has been awake for hours. He slept a little over two hours all night, his norm for the past several months. Fred will doze off a few times this afternoon – the day goes by faster that way. It takes another 30 minutes to get out of bed. He is handsome and a seemingly eligible bachelor since his divorce last year. He is in good condition, or at least he was until his disease reared its ugly head again six months ago.

Fred is 36 years old, practicing on his own and battling untreated depression. It has been an off and on demon since he was in college. He got treatment when the light switch first cut off, but the medicine made him feel bad and he slept a lot. When his depression recurred in law school, he was afraid to get treatment, lest word get out and his career was over before it started.

As he looks in the bathroom mirror, Fred wonders why anyone would be interested in such a grotesque loser as a lawyer, a friend or a mate. A part of his brain reminds him that this is the disease talking, but another part tells him that mirrors don’t lie. As he showers, he considers his day. A court hearing at nine and a client, one of his few remaining, coming in after lunch. Nausea sweeps over him like a wave.

When he gets to the office, he skulks in through the back door to minimize the chance of running into his assistant or the other lawyers he shares space with. He has been thinking about this hearing all week. He can’t get it out of his mind. It looms bigger, and bigger, and Bigger – his head feels like it might explode. Fred has owed his opponent discovery responses for seven months in a suit over a $15,000 note. The judge already granted a motion to compel and this is a hearing on sanctions.

He enters the courtroom and everyone is staring at him, or at least that’s what he sees. He fights the urge to bolt – to find a quiet, dark place to hide. As he ponders his next move, the judge enters the courtroom.

“Judge, my client … sick … hospital … coming in tomorrow … one more chance.” Though the judge sees right through it, he likes Fred and has heard that he took his divorce pretty hard. His opponent also likes Fred and knows that the bank she represents will never get a dime out of his client, anyway. She shrugs her shoulders – whatever. Wash, rinse, repeat.

Safe back in his office, Fred realizes that his undershirt is soaked. He needs to eat, but has no appetite. Unopened mail sits in a small stack on the corner of his desk. The top envelope is from his mortgage company. “Am I two, or three months behind,” he wonders. He pulls his latest bank statement on his trust account to see if there is any money to cover the house payment. The zeros in it remind him that he had cleaned out the only retainer he had left with some fictitious billing a few weeks ago. Fred just can’t see a way out.

His afternoon client wants to know when the case is going to be set for trial. “Soon – I just spoke with the judge.” Does Fred think there is any chance for a settlement? “Of course – they know you have a great case and I have them on the run.” The case has not even been led. Mercifully, the client leaves without asking any more questions. Fred thinks about the loaded pistol sitting in the drawer next to his bed. He bought it a few months back and it has been on his mind a lot lately. When he was young, he had suicidal thoughts and they scared him. Now, they ooze over him like a warm balm. He has taken the gun out of the drawer twice and gone up in the attic. Both times, a quiet voice told him not to do it. He can barely hear that voice now …

Of course this is not a true story. It is, however, an accurate depiction of what someone in Fred’s shoes might go through. There are lots of Freds, and Janes, trying to practice law and battle untreated depression at the same time. It’s not sustainable – like Sisyphus, or David and the Giant – but the big guy has the slingshot, too. They are afraid to get help for the same reasons Fred is. Their career will be over. No one will speak to them. The stigma that attaches to being branded “mentally ill” is a game changer for the worse. The same voice that tells them they are looking at a loser in the mirror tells them that suicide is a more logical option than dealing with the problem.

How bad is it? The statistics are all over the place, but it is pretty clear that the stressors – student loans, client and court system demands, shrinking profit margins and technology that never lets one get away from the job – are not abating. A recent study of 11,500 lawyers (including Alabama) published in the February, 2016, edition of the Journal of Addiction Medicine contained the following findings regarding a survey done on depression:

– 28% of the participants reported concern with mild or high levels of depression;
– 19% reported mild or high levels of anxiety; and
– 23% reported mild or high levels of stress, which involves mental or emotional strain attached to a certain event.
There is, however, hope and help is available. ROBERT THORNHILL, the director of the ALABAMA LAWYER’S ASSISTANCE PROGRAM, echoes the oft heard refrain that suicide is “a permanent solution to a temporary problem.” The stigma that attaches to mental health issues is real. In the face of all this, Robert and ALAP help scores of lawyers around the state get the treatment they need.

Sometimes, it happens when one of us who is falling down the hole is able to shout out before it is too late. Sometimes it is because someone cares enough to risk the scorn of their friend by intervening. If you think you may have a problem, call ALAP at 334-517-2224 or visit www.alabar.org for confidential help. Robert and anonymous lawyers on the ALAP Committee discuss the symptoms and treatment for depression, as well as any other mental health issues.